This is SO scary it had the nation glued to the TV

Flavorwire has a great post on a pumpkin carving of "Falcon’s delicate body dangling over the harsh cityscape below."

Blah blah how-to instructional crap omitted for your reading pleasure, or perhaps that may have been the best part...

I cranked this up to 12 on the snarkiness meter - 1 better than those damn 'Tap hacks.


Part 3

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
That stayed in?

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
About 6ft away from me.

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
I know Juke Box Hero, Greatest American Hero, but not the song Guitar Hero.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
I don't name names.

5.What time did you go to bed and why?
Which time? Why? To sleep, duh.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I tried moving to the couch, but the keyboard cable isn't long enough.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
As I recall, kissing is supposed to create fireworks.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Temporally it would have to be John. I believe we're in nearly the same space-time.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends?
I befriended a number of Y's, one W once but he thought he was twice as good as my favorite, my dear V, so I dumped the bastard. I heard once you go X you never go back.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
Isn't he the bastard who OD'd MJ?

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
When Miss Demeanor ground her high heals into my hand.

12. Who took your profile picture?
Paparazzi. True.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Everyone in Glendale (and posted it here. You have to squint to see them)

14. Was yesterday better than today?
Hell Yeah. Yesterday I didn't die - today's still up in the air.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
Sure, but would it be worth living?

16. Are you upset about anything?
Nope, but I'm often upfront, uptight, and uppity.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
If they're priced right. The everyday values at Wal*Mart are the best.

18. Are you a bad influence?
Yes, but that's why I recommend everyone gets a yearly influenza vaccine.

19. Night out or night in?
This is a tough one for me, so I stand in the doorway.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
My coffin - that damn sunlight!

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
That friend of mine I "accidentally" shot while we were hunting. Time to go ... again. Oops, the question is "visited" not "put."

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"If you can read this, you're too close"

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
Now? Good. Or now? So-so. Or now? Getting confused. How does one answer this? Now? Damn, make it stop!

24. Do you hate anyone?
Not just anyone, but a few of you in particular. Yes, that means you Stan! Fucker.

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
Emails... were you expecting a shark or something?

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Is it essay or multiple guess?

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes, perfect before sex (unfortunately not after.)

28. What song is stuck in your head?
A stray track by Silver Bullet Band. It happened when I was 5 during a drive by.

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
Dunno, but they must be on stilts. Scary clown! Scary clown!

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
That's just sick.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Nada.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
duh.

READ MORE after the Jump >>

Top Math is Hard Lists

Snark Much's blog has a post Snarky's Top 4 Top 10 Lists of Wacky Holidays & Observances, 4th Quarter

Now, that could be 40, but it turns out it's 51. Go figure.

4th Quarter? Does that mean the game is nearly over? Perhaps she needs a time-out. Of course, with those glossy lips and spinning heart I'd prefer if she hits the showers.

YASD (Yet Another 'Snarky' Definition): "sharply critical"?

Euripides on his blog says:

The Snarky Files. Snarky means several things. I prefer the definition of "sharply critical." Here's my take on some news stories this past week. No real news here, just snark.

While we love the term "Snark Files", and agree with "sharply critical", the definition is missing it's humor. And on that note, only you can decide if his posts on the "moral bankruptcy of our US society and within the government" are funny.

My life according to Vogon Poetry ("On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you.")

Using only poem titles from ONE poet, answer these questions. Pass it on to 12 (or a million) people you like, plus me because I want to see what you posted. You can't use the poet I used. Do not repeat a title. Repost as "My Life According to (POET)."

Are you a male or female?
Its earted jurtles

Describe yourself:
Like jowling meated liverslime

How do you feel:
Oh freddled gruntbuggly

Describe where you currently live:
Into a rancid festering...

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
With crinkly bindlewurdles

Your favorite form of transportation:
On a lurgid bee

What's the weather like:
As plurdled gabbleblotchits

Favorite time of day:
Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles

Your relationships:
Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes

Your fear:
That mordiously hath bitled out

What is the best advice you have to give:
See if I don't.

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts

Your soul's present condition:
Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon

And now, a Very Special Blossom, er, I mean Snark.

The Huff Post has a little article about Kirk Cameron's "very special" (cough, cough) edition of Darwin's "Origin of the Species", including a link to Kirk's YouTube video and  ZOMGitsCriss's just-oh-so-slightly snarky response:

"The Matt Kern Baby Seal Killing Society" Facebook group?

The Facebook group The Matt Kern Baby Seal Killing Society, describes itself as "For all those who love killing baby seals with assorted weapons."

We can only imagine they mean it sarcastically, as we do.

Ironically, the Facebook category is "Common Interest - Pets & Animals." Yup, that's common pet interest.

Snarky AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

(we wish we could take credit for this! and sorry for the all caps crap. you didn't think we were going to put the effort into fixing it, did you?)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
 
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. *REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
 
4.. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
 
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
 
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE: WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
 
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
 
 SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Snarky facebook: finish the sentence.......like, now!

Finish the sentences. Then re-post it as "Finish the sentences" (in your NOTES section) when you're done!


1. I've come to realize that my last kiss... will probably be with an undercover assassin with poisoned lipstick.

2. I am listening to...  a mysterious tip tap tip tap. Oh wait it stopped, no started. Hmmm, I remain perfectly still, it stops. I wonder what it is?

3. I talk.... talk talk. All I ever do to you is talk talk talk talk.

4. I love.... facebook! (Where's my $5 commission?)

5. My best friends.... are dogs. But they always play poker without me. Bitches!

6. My first real kiss… is I don't recall anymore. Sad, but true.

7. Love is....facebook (cha-ching!)

8. Marriage is.... like Facebook, sometimes fun, sometimes a chore, and always there. Until it's replaced by the next big thing.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking.... why am I wasting my time reading this? Oh wait, that's everybody.

10. I'll always remember.... my first pack of Marlboro's.

11. The last time I really cried was because.... I got a boo boo. Then I got it kissed, and a band-aid with Jessica Alba on it. It was hot.

12. My cell phone....  There are many like it, but this one is mine. My cell phone is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I master my life. My cell phone, without me, is useless. Without my cell phone, I am useless.

13. When I wake up in the morning.... I reach under my pillow to make sure my cell phone is there.

14. Before I go to bed.... I kiss my cell phone g'night.

15. Right now I am thinking about.... no, not my cell phone. What kind of freak do you think I am? I'm still thinking about my Alba band-aid!

16. Babies are.... too young for cell phones, but you can get them plastic play ones.

17. I get on Myspace.... but usually it's like mymonkey on myback.

18. Today I.... dismantled and cleaned my cell phone.

19. Tomorrow I will be... bringing it by the Verizon store to get a new one. Thank you no-questions-asked insurance!

20. I really want to be.... a ballerina.

21. I am allergic to....  shrimp on the barbie, or shrimp anyhow. Actually, Barbie too - and damn, if I'm not surrounded by too many of them in LA!

22. I am annoyed by.... people answering their phones in the can. The echo is annoying.

23. One food I refuse to eat is... gefilte fish.  Way back in college, I stocked grocery shelves at night.  One night I dropped an entire case of glass jars of GF - it stank so bad we evacuated the store.

24. The most recent thing I've learned is.... the tip tap tip tap noise is the keyboard!

25. The number one thing on my bucket list is.... fixing the hole in it.

26. Something I've always wanted to learn to do is.... a pirouette.

27. I have a high tolerance for.... hard-fought failure.

28. I have a low tolerance for.... easy success.

29. My wish... is for an endless series of FB notes to be snarky on.

30. One person I would happily make a fool out of myself if I ever saw in person.... any of you.